Innocent
by i-am-probably-insane
Summary: Patricia is killed in a car crash. Eddie was driving. He thinks it's all his fault- maybe Patricia can prove it otherwise.


Patricia and Eddie were in the car, driving home from a movie. Eddie was driving and Patricia was sitting in the passenger seat. They were laughing about who knows what. Suddenly, a semi truck swerved right in front of them. Everything went black.

Trudy came to visit Eddie in the hospital. "Hey, Trudy, is she okay?"

Trudy looked devastated. "Eddie… Patricia's side had a lot of damage. You got hit, and even though you didn't get much of it, you barely survived. Eddie… Patricia's gone."

Patricia's funeral was a month later. He stood around the casket, along with everyone from Anubis house, Piper, and some strangers.

The minister started talking about mourning her loss and how she would go to heaven.

"You may say your final goodbyes."

He walked up, the lavender in his hand. He laid it on her casket. "Lavender. It was your favorite flower, right? God, I miss you. Look, Patricia, I love- I loved you. And this is my entire fault. Goodbye." A tear fell onto the lavender. He walked off.

_I guess you really did it this time  
Left yourself in your warpath  
Lost your balance on a tightrope  
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back_

He knew it was his fault for Patricia's death. He admitted it so many times- most to his psychiatrists.

"We want to help you, Eddie. But we can't help you unless you help yourself."

He stared hard at the blank face of the man in front of him. "How many times have you said that to a patient? How many times have you stood in front of a mirror, rehearsing that single line? You're an actor. You're just saying what your boss is telling you to. You can't help me. Have you ever been driving a car with the woman you love and she dies?"

"Well, no but-"

"Then you can't help me. You don't know what it's like- it's hard not to blame yourself. You may have a degree, but I have experience. And I know she's dead because of me."

"I see her in the mirror sometimes. I'll visit her grave and she'll be sitting on that bench. I hear her voice. What do you think of that? Tell me the truth."

He took off his glasses. "Honestly? I think you've lost your mind."

Eddie nodded. "Me, too."

_Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?  
Always a bigger bed to crawl into  
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything  
And everybody believed in you?_

I miss the days when Patricia and I would sneak from lunch to have Sibuna meetings. We would bring a few sacks of food since we were missing lunch. God, we didn't know it, but days were so easy then. I used to wish things were normal. I wish things were how it was then. We were scared, though. We were so scared something would happen, and we would die from a ghost or something. Patricia died from a flipping' car crash! I don't mean to feel sorry for myself, but I have to. I have to feel something other than guilt.

I actually believed we would last until the day we died. She believed in me, too. I guess we were right.

_It's alright, just wait and see  
Your string of lights is still bright to me  
Oh, who you are is not where you've been.  
You're still an innocent,  
You're still an innocent._

Like he told the psychiatrist, he would hear her voice. "It's not your fault, Eddie. You're still an innocent."

He would hear it over and over again. The only problem is that he just couldn't believe it. He would reply, sometimes. Always the same thing. "No, it is. I wasn't focusing. It's my fault that we ran into that car. I'm not the innocent here."

She never replied.

_Did some things you can't speak of  
But at night you live it all again  
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now  
If only you would seen what you know now then_

He tried to kill himself, once. He took those pills and waited. He failed, and he couldn't bring himself to do it again.

"_I'm not suicidal," _he thought. _"But I'm sure not an innocent."_

Sometimes he would sit on the floor and just think. His mind tried to focus on the thought that it wasn't his fault, but it just wouldn't work. _I did it. I did it._

If only he had known not to get in that car. If only he had suggested they stay for a dinner date or something. Then Patricia would be walking next to me in the school halls every day. Like normal.

_Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?  
When everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you  
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep  
Before the monsters caught up to you?_

_American football. Shoveling manure. Racing to school. _Memories flashed in his head. He missed the days where everything he couldn't do was given to him. he couldn't pay for this school, so his mother did. he couldn't feed himself when he was young, so my mom did. he didn't know anything when he started school, so his teacher told him. Just going through your day until you went to bed. No regrets. No mistakes. Just life.

But he found the monsters.

_It's alright, just wait and see  
Your string of lights is still bright to me  
Oh, who you are is not where you've been  
You're still an innocent  
It's okay, life is a tough crowd  
32, and still growin' up now  
Who you are is not what you did.  
You're still an innocent._

He heard more. "Just wait and see, Eddie. That string of lights is still shining bright. You're still an innocent."

He was crying now. "I want to believe you. I do. But I just can't. It was my fault. I'm no innocent. My lights are dark now."

Life kept getting harder. He would hear people in the halls. "I'm sorry for your loss." "Get a grip."

So on and so forth. He wouldn't date. He wouldn't hang out with any of his friends. Life was hard, and he couldn't accept that he hadn't killed Patricia.

_Time turns flames to embers  
You'll have new Septembers  
Every one of us has messed up too  
Lives change like the weather  
I hope you remember  
Today is never too late to be brand new_

It was September now. Life was dragging on slowly. He just wished he could throw that calendar in the fire. "We all mess up, Eddie."

That's what everyone was telling him. Life changed all the time, and there was nothing he could even do about it. It sucked.

_It's alright, just wait and see  
Your string of lights is still bright to me  
Oh, who you are is not where you've been  
You're still an innocent.  
It's okay, life is a tough crowd  
32, and still growin' up now  
Who you are is not what you did  
You're still an innocent.  
You're still an innocent._

"You're still an innocent, Eddie." He was starting to believe her.

"I think I believe you now."

Life started picking up after that. He still, of course, mourned her death. But he did it quietly. He started becoming his normal self again. He made friends over again. He got a new girlfriend.

_Lost your balance on a tightrope._

He saw Patricia again one day. "Thank you, Eddie."

"You're welcome."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

_It's never too late to get it back._

And with that, she turned and stepped into the light.

**Thank you! Now, this is what I call a songfic. Please review and I really hope you like it!**

**~Madi**


End file.
